The Awkward Gap Between “I’m So Sorry” and Actually Showing Up

Showing up for someone in their time of need can make people extremely uncomfortable. It’s hard enough to say “I’m sorry” to someone in the right way at the right time. Maybe you just drop a card in the mail, or you might send a quick text. Then you find yourself feeling guilty, like you should be doing more, actually showing up to provide support. If this sounds like you, it’s probably time to bridge the gap between kind words and concrete action.

Here’s how to make things less awkward when someone you care about is grieving.

Send a Gift

One of the most surefire ways to show up for someone is to send a gift. You could be a coworker from the office or a loved one who lives miles away, and a nice gift is a great way to say, “I’m here for you.” What makes the gap between saying I’m sorry and showing up for many people is that you just don’t know what to do, so you freeze. You do nothing. Then, the longer it takes you to take action, the more paralyzed you feel. The next thing you know, months have gone by.

You can break out of that frozen state by forcing yourself to send something. It can almost literally be anything. Great sympathy gifts include everything from gift cards for groceries to care packages with cookies, tea and soup. The point is to pick an item you think your friend or loved one might enjoy and put it in the mail. It’s often even easier to get the job done when you can order something online, add to cart, add a personalized note, and hit send. Don’t overthink it.

Make a Meal

Then, of course, there’s one of the most traditional gifts of all: the meal. For generations, families have received condolences from loved ones and neighbors in the form of casseroles, lasagnas, soups and baked goods. Food is such a necessity that you can be sure your friend or loved one has to eat sometime. Plus, they’re unlikely to feel motivated to cook, so showing up with a dish in hand is a genuine way to be present for the bereaved.

In the case of meals, modern times call for modern approaches. Sure, you can still bring a chicken pot pie, but that’s not always practical. You may have a full life that doesn’t allow you to cook an extra meal. You might also live far away. The good news is that now you can order a hot meal to be delivered to your loved one, or you can send a gift card for meal delivery services. You’re still showing up, and you have the added benefit of giving your loved one options for what to eat.

Take Care of the Kids

One area in which people don’t often think about offering real help to their grieving friend or family is in childcare. When someone is suffering a loss, they often feel like the entire planet should stop spinning so they can get off and take time to grieve. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop. Bills still have to get paid, dishes still have to get washed and kids still need to be cared for. Balancing all of this while trying to grieve properly can be overwhelming.

If you’re close enough to the bereaved that they trust you with their children, this is a way you can show up and make a difference. You could offer to transport the kids to and from school, help them with their homework or even take them for a weekend. Of course, the children may be grieving, too, and a little time away from a house in mourning may do them some good as well. Getting even a small break from routine and the constant onslaught of parenting may be just the relief your loved one needs.

Get Active

Grieving can be a huge weight on the mourner’s shoulders to the point where their dopamine levels drop dangerously low. It can lead to depression, anxiety and isolation. You can’t take away their pain, but you can help them work on their dopamine levels. You’re not trying to stop them from grieving, of course. Grief is natural. Rather, you can help them move through the pain by getting outside into fresh air and getting physical.

Physical activity offers a natural spike in dopamine that can last for hours. Your friend or family member may still feel sad, but even a daily walk in sunshine for 20 minutes might help them stave off depression or anxiety. If you live nearby, invite your loved one out for a walk around the block. Offer to pick them up for a hike on a local trail. Or take them to a pretty park. Tell them they don’t have to talk if they don’t want to, that you just want to support them in their grieving process.

Pick Up the Phone

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, when you love someone who’s suffering from a loss, remind yourself to pick up the phone again and again. Grief can be an enduring emotion that strikes when you least expect it. Just like with sending a gift, you can stop yourself from freezing in that awkward gap by picking up the phone right now and calling to say, “I’m here. What do you need?”

Then, after weeks have gone by, and after everyone else has drifted back to their normal lives, call again. Ask, “How are you doing?” Say, “You can talk to me. I’m here. I’ll just listen.” Showing up doesn’t have to be in person, but it does have to be constant. In reality, that’s what it means to be there for someone. It means to keep being there even when the immediate need has passed. Check in, send a text, pick up the phone, and make a date. The consistency shows your loved one how much you really care.

In the end, that awkward gap doesn’t have to stay awkward, or a gap, for long. Yes, expressing your condolences is the first step. But there are many steps, large and small, that you can take immediately after. The most important thing to do is take one of them. It can be as simple as asking “What do you need?” If it’s someone you’re especially close to, you probably already have an idea of what they need. The next step in that case is to provide it. That’s what showing up looks like.